Downton's Next Top Model
by mentalillusions
Summary: Thomas and Jimmy are both secret drag queens on the show Downton's Next Top Model. One-shot. crack fic.


Adjusting his wig, Thomas sauntered into the room, eyeing the other contestants. There would be no competition, he quickly decided, scanning the room over, looking at each girl individually. Even if he was just a man in drag, he was still prettier than all of them combined. Smiling his best smile, the one which made his face seem sweet and kind and open, and not bitterly resentful like most of the time, Thomas walked up to the man with the clipboard who was `pointing things to an array of assistants and camera men.

"Where do you want me?" he asked, his voice several octaves higher than it would be naturally. You had to be a woman to enter the competition and he didn't think they would take kindly to the fact that his cock was taped so far back it was nearly sliding between the cheeks of his arse. Nevertheless, they hadn't found out in-well ever really-in all the beauty contests, mainstream modelling jobs (although in some of the more artsy shit he did they knew he had the d), and just generally all the real life experiences he'd had. There was no reason for them to suss it out now. He'd been dressing in drag for nearly ten years; he knew how to do the lady thing. Still his palm sweated as the man pointed to a row of chairs and told him to sit with the other girls. This was television-his dream-he couldn't bear to be found out and have it all ruined.

"Before you go, what's yer name love?" Clipboard Man asked, pen hovering just above the list, ready to check him off.

"Thomasina Barrow" he replied confidently, raising his chin just a little, and pushing out his natural bosom, enhanced with a little contouring.

Clipboard Man nodded and ticked him off, muttering "just one more," although Thomas wasn't sure who exactly, if anyone, this was aimed at. Just as he turned on his heels, the door opened, revealing, what Thomas supposed must have been the last girl. Except it _wasn't_ a girl. That he was sure of. It was like he had a gaydar for other drag queens' and his systems were screaming _'this is a man_.' Where the others may have seen strong features and clever makeup work to exenterate every element of his face, Thomas saw the illusion of trickery and deception. Every makeup line creating an image to the viewer of what wasn't really there, but the crafter hoped to fool them into believing was. Thomas had it far easier than others, his lean body and sharp cheekbones made it childsplay to sculpt himself into a women; this man on the other hand had a broad chin and well, everything about his face screamed masculinity. And yet it didn't. In his womanly form he just looked…well Thomas wasn't sure what he looked. A strange, yet beautiful woman, he supposed.

_Bitch, there isn't enough room in this competition for both of us. _He thought, scowling at the young blond. He tried to ignore how his heart beat faster as the other man walked towards him, and looked him straight in the eye. He'd felt it to, he knew they were one of the same.

"Who's this?" he asked first, desperate to get the first word in, although he wasn't really sure why.

"Jamie Kent." He replied looking around the room, "now where do I sit, and where do I get something to drink?" he asked, placing both hands on his hips.

Thomas scoffed. "What do I look like, the tea girl? Go ask someone else."

Jamie laughed a bitter sounding noise which was probably meant to intimidate him. It didn't. "Oh, sorry, my mistake, that shirt makes you look like one of the staff." He explained in a mocking tone, poking a finger to the fabric covering his chest.

"Oi, watch it!" Thomas said, his voice nearly slipping to his normal tone. _No, I must keep calm. I'm not going to let some little jumped up whore ruin this for me. _"I'd rather you keep your fingers out of my cleavage." He said, placing one hand on his hip almost mirroring the other man's stance, whilst raising his eyebrow with as much sass as he could muster.

Jamie looked down to the space where his shirt was unbuttoned to reveal two heavily pushed breasts. _"Cleavage?" _He gave his cruel laugh again. "You keep telling yourself that hon'" he said, strutting off to Clipboard Man.

* * *

Not surprisingly to him, Thomas made it through the rounds successfully. There was only one thing he had been worried about, and that was somehow having to change in front of other people, or having a wardrobe slip…perhaps bending down for a pose and to find that his penis had become untucked and was now hanging over a pair of skimpy pants. Luckily it hadn't happened. And that was good. Very good. Somehow, his preferred area had become underwear and bikini modelling, really anything which involved him wearing very little clothes. And he looked great. Everyone said so, and everyone told all their business associates. He always had worked. He supposed it was rather strange for a drag queen to primarily do shoots wearing that kind of stuff, when you could have a real woman. _But who needs a real woman when you can have me? _He decided, rearranging his pants and walking out the dressing room.

There were only three people left in the show now, all the rest had been beaten by his superior arse, delightful bosom, and sharp cheekbones. There was him, some bitch who spoke in a haughty voice who was apparently called, Mary, not that he gave a fuck what her name was. Although apparently she was a _Lady _of some lord who no longer owned his estate anymore. He called her plain old Mary as much a possible. And then there was _Jamie. _Hatred filled him at the thought of him winning and he wanted nothing more than to beat him with his bare fists and kiss him passionately_…wait what?_

The cameras turned on as they all lined up and had their challenge read out to them by the host, who was an absolute tosser Thomas decided upon first meeting him.

"Now, ladies, this is your penultimate challenge. For this round you will have to work on the title _'sexual beast.' _You have three days to prepare your outfit before the photo shoot!" he said, in the kind of voice presenter jerks used, making everything sound far more exciting than it really was.

It took him all of one minute to decide what he was going to be. A unicorn, the most majestic beast of them all and he was going to look fabulous!

* * *

Jamie scowled at him as he posed for the shoot.

"You look like a whore." He said, crossing his arms against his chest.

Thomas looked up from his place bending over a rock, with his bum raised in the air, and let the sexual look slip off his face.

"Good. Sex sells."

The camera man laughed. "That's right girl, you got the idea. Sadly the same can't be said for Lady Fancy Pants and Blondie. You just keep doing what you're doin'!"

Thomas rolled his eyes at Jamie who scowled at him.

"Yeah but who'd want to have sex with you?" Jamie retorted as Thomas sat down on the rock, his iridescent bikini and glittery horn shining from the studio lighting majestically.

Thomas tilted his head upwards, giving a full view of his long pale neck. "I'll have you know a lot of people."

_"slag."_ Jamie muttered going back to sit on his chair, obviously trying to ignore the camera men as they whirled around the room soaking up every ounce of the drama.

As the shoot came to a close, and Jamie stood up, Thomas bashed into his shoulder as he walked past, whispering, "Your turn pussy." He smirked as Jamie's tail got stuck to the chair as he tried to jump up, and he was yet again certain he'd win this round.

* * *

Lady Mary frowned so much when she was told that she was voted out that Thomas thought her eyebrows might just turn a full 360.

"Me?" she said after a moment. "But how can_ I_ be out? I'm a Lady!"

* * *

Jamie smirked as he walked towards his dressing room, with his costume designer following closely behind, getting ready to prepare for the final freestyle challenge.

"I told yer I'd give Lady Mary a run for her money. And I did, and I won!" he beamed, tilting his head to look at her, whilst moving his hand to open the door.

Thomas hated the other man's optimistic attitude.

"You haven't won yet." He reminded him as he strutted into his own room, using his hip to bash the door shut.

* * *

It was the day of the final round and Jamie had been giving him evil eyes all day. Not that he gave a fuck; he was obviously going to win. How could he not? He just wished that Jamie didn't have to look so god damn hot; he was certain there was a sexy man under all those cosmetics and he wanted so desperately to strip off each layer and see what was hidden underneath. Why did he have to think he was attractive, he needed to hate him not want to shag him? It was strange as well because he didn't find men in drag fuckable, like at all, but Jamie…_Jesus fucking Christ_ was all he had to say to that.

Stepping out in a red bikini and his favourite black wig, Thomas walked out onto the set, making sure that he swayed his hips a little with each step. _God I'm looking sexual._

Jamie was already there looking the perfect binary opposite to him with his classy blue dress and blond hair lightly curled and swept to the side.

For the round they had to do the shoot together and it was like he could physically feel Jamie planning to upstage him.

"Morning whore" Jamie said, looking up at him as Thomas swept towards to him so they both stood in front of the camera.

Thomas said nothing in response.

"Let's just get this over with." He said, looking at the photographer.

"Right you are Thomasina!" the picture taking guy said, kneeling down and bringing the camera to his face. It quickly became apparent that they both had different ideas on how to pose; Jamie choosing to balance all his weight on one leg, so he stood at a jaunty angle and Thomas giving it all the sexual he had in him. As he heard the camera snap shots, he knew it wasn't working out, and there was no way Jamie was going to mess this up for him. He stared at him intently causing the other to turn his head to look towards him.

"I know I'm pretty but there's no need to stare."

Thomas snorted even though he secretly agreed.

Jamie went on. "I suppose you've never seen anyone as pretty as me before."

Thomas turned fully around to face him this time, pulling his best bitch face. "I'll have you know I own mirrors-"

"Yes, but they all must be broken."

_Right that's it._

"Listen slutbag, you may think you're so god damn pretty, but you're nothing compared to me" he said, prodding a finger into his chest.

Jamie rolled his eyes, "yeah and what have you got that I haven't?"

His mind went blank for a moment; "I got the booty" was the first thing which came to mind. To reinforce the point he turned around, bending slightly, giving his arse a slap. "Nobody's booty compares to mine"

Laughing bitterly like the first day they met, he said, "Oh please, you're just a trashy slut with a boob job!"

At some point Thomas brain had sent the signal to have the palm of his hand collide with Jamie's face, although he had no recollection of making the decision himself. "You bitch! I'll have you know my girls are real!"

The photographer gasped as Jamie tackled him to the floor, and as he pulled at his wig which he tried furiously to hold onto, he noticed that he had a raging erection, untucking itself and causing his pants to tent up awkwardly. _Shit. _As they ripped at each other's clothes, with each garment shed they both became more and more their true selves. The world felt distant for a moment as he realised that he was now lying on the floor panting basically naked, boner pressed into Jamie's stomach, with the camera crew circling around them both. Their wigs were laying on the floor, alongside bits of his clothes and shreds of the blond's dress.

"You're both men!" the presenter gasped, in shock horror.

Thomas gave a heaving sigh, and replied "No shit" before kissing Jamie as passionately as he could, running his fingers through the others short blond hair.

* * *

**Epilogue**

Jimmy sat naked on the sofa beside Thomas, hands covering his eyes, as the first episode of _Downton's next Top Model_ started to begin. They'd decided to go through with airing the show because apparently they liked the drama and thought this was just the scandal to shake up a show that was getting a little bit old and dragged out.

"I can't believe that they can still show this!" Jimmy wailed from behind his hands.

Thomas sighed in agreement, scooting closer to Jimmy and wrapping his arm around the Blond's waist. "I'm afraid that we signed a contract and there's no where in it that says they can't show it if you end up having a dick and fight slash make out with your opponent on camera."

"I know but still, a little common decency would be nice!"

Thomas laughed sweetly, "this is the media love, there is no such thing as common decency."

Jimmy moaned and buried his face into Thomas shoulder. "Why did I even go on this show?"

Pulling back, Thomas held Jimmy's face in his hand, "If you'd never signed up, and we'd have never fought, and then none of this would have ever happened." He said waving a hand around, signalling the flat they shared together.

Jimmy smirked, "Hm I suppose you're right Thomasina," he replied with a nod, which was stilled by both of Thomas' hands grasping his face and pulling him into a deep kiss.


End file.
